Learning to Dance in the Rain

I have to admit that I have become a "blog stalker" since I've moved to Switzerland!  I don't spend my time randomly browsing through just anyone's blog, but usually I have been given a link or have come across one accidentally that I have grown to love.  The reason I want to read them is because most of the time they help me increase my desire to become a better person, or they give me wonderful homemaking/decorating ideas, or recipes, or ideas to share with my children as they parent, or a book review, or even ideas for new traditions and family reunions and Christmas presents for grandchildren---that kind of thing.  I don't really consider reading them a waste of my time.  I kind of view my time reading them the same as I would the time I would spend reading a self-help book! 

My problem is trying to obtain balance in my life and to not read too many of them too often----but the "balance" issue in my life right now is enough for 10 posts, and that's not where I'm going with this one.  I also have to admit that I have to watch it, or I can have self-esteem issues (why didn't I do that when the kids were young, my photos never look that good, I never got it together like that when the kids were little, I wish I could do that, why do others have all the talent, why can't I lose weight and look like that---you know the drill).

Anyway, when I was reading one of my favorites the other day (it's Saren Eyre Loosli's blog, daughter of Richard and Linda Eyre, who were the parenting gurus in my day), she wrote of her efforts to try and enjoy life instead of being driven by have to's, schedules, deadlines, etc.  She talked of melt-downs and stressesd out moments.  She had decided she worried too much, worked too much, did too much, thought too much, and enjoyed too little.  It really hit home.  I could so relate.  The first 36 + years of my marriage were exactly all that!

DJ and I met and married while we were both in college.  We decided that we should start our family while we were still in school (if that was God's will) and that some way or the other, we would finish---both of us.  I firmly believed that I should get an education and finish my degree.  DJ knew going into our marriage that I wasn't going to drop out and go to work full-time.  So... I got pregnant just weeks after we got married, we both worked full-time that summer, went back to BYU, both went to school full-time, and both worked part-time.  Nine and a half months after our wedding, we had our cute Rachel.  We balanced school, work, and her in different configurations depending on the semester, and when she was 8 months old, I got pregnant again with Matt right when I was starting my student teaching (morning sickness and student teaching are a hard combination!).  And just to clarify, we wanted to have another baby---Matt wasn't a surprise!

Six months later, we got a better work opportunity in SLC so DJ transferred to the U, I finished at BYU Salt Lake Center, he worked full-time, I managed our apartment building and did bookeeping at home, and we had two toddlers by the time we both graduated.  The reason for this little bit of personal history---life started out crazy for us, and it never stopped.  We were always running, never feeling like we were caught up, always solving problems, serving in the church and community, trying to support extended family on both sides, always working hard, trying to help others, always dealing with more on our plate than probably should have been there.  In the middle of all that, we added six more children, dealt with the loss of Becca, and tried to provide our chidren with a lot of opportunities.  Times continued to get crazier---right up to 2010 (see two earlier posts recapping 2010 if you don't believe or understand this comment!).

I have enjoyed too little.  Oh, I'm not saying we didn't have some good times.  I'm not saying that we didn't accomplish some good things that brought joy.  I AM saying that every day was pretty much a pressure cooker!  So much to get done, runny noses and dirty diapers, deadlines, housework and laundry, service to be rendered, people with needs, rehersals, carpools, newspaper routes, lessons, church callings.  It seemed like every day I was on a mission to accomplish what was on the list.  Too frequently, I didn't plan to take moments where I could enjoy what was going on.  I'm not saying I didn't take time to read stories, build with blocks and legos, bake cookies, sing, laugh, or dig in the sand pile.  I did, often. I just don't think I savored those moments; they were another requirement towards being a good mom, possibly fulfilling something that was on the list (spend time with_____ today, give attention to ______,  go the the library, park-hopping today).  Sometimes, though I look back on a full and pretty wonderful life, I wonder how much I missed because I didn't always focus on enjoying the journey. 

Our move to Switzerland necessitated a LOT of work before and right after.  But after a couple of months, things started to slow down.  I wasn't home to help with children and grandchildren (and let's face it, they're spread out over kingdom come), the apartment isn't as big as our house so it doesn't require as much time to maintain (though I've never been stellar at either), and I wasn't spending 20+ hours preparing for and attending seminary each week.  Now I'm not saying that I have everything caught up, gleaming, spotless, or organized because I don't (besides I'm struggling to make what my sister says looks like a prison into a warm, inviting home).  I just got to a point that the really big have to's were pretty much done, some of what needs to be done is in Houston, and I was kind of burned out.  I think a lot of the odd projects I have left to do are hard, boring, or things I don't feel very confident about doing.

So now my challenge to enjoy each day is caused by different circumstances.  Rather than being so crazily busy that there's hardly time to breath, let alone smell the flowers, I now struggle with:

• Not wanting to do what's left to do (you know, all the yucky, left-over stuff that I've pushed to the back burner for months, if not years); somebody's got to do it
• Being ALONE sooooo much, even though DJ might be home (asleep on the couch) 
• Feeling like I need to accomplish what's on the list, no matter what---time is running out
• Not feeling like I fit in
• Fearing failure
• Having to fill up 12-16 hours a day, Monday thru Friday, with worthwhile endeavors from sheer discipline versus my former life where each day was being filled by the needs and schedules of others---it's a major lifestyle change---it's still uncomfortable; it would be so much easier to sit around and watch movies while I eat chocolate bon-bons and no one would ever know
• Fighting the strong urge to host a "pity party"
• Worrying about becoming selfish because I have so much time to myself because of the language barrier and the lifestyle here

There's a plaque in our guest bedroom which says, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  Despite the fun times we have traveling here and learning about Europe which I absolutely love, most of my weeks are spent in the rain (literally and figuratively).  The gray cloudy skies that have dominated Basel since early November are finally not such a constant, but I've felt like I lived in Seattle!  I need to learn to dance in the rain.  Those gray skies will be back, if not tomorrow, then certainly next fall. 

The storms which are swirling in my pysche probably aren't going to go away any time too soon.  Life goes on.  There are always going to be things I don't like to do here, or that I'm afraid to do here, or that I don't feel confident about doing here.  There's a good chance that I may never be accepted by others and that I will be spending a lot of my week by myself.  There is close to a 100 percent chance that I am going to be the one who has to fill my week days with worthy pursuits, like it or them, or not.  Somehow in the midst of all this gray, I need to learn to dance---I need to PLAN to learn to dance.  Each day, I need to say, what am I going to ENJOY today? 

Except for a few appointments or meetings and except for desperate situations like when there is no clean underwear or no ironed shirts in DJ's wardrobe, I think I am through with lists!!  Or at least my lists are going to change.  I will  purposely plan to enjoy!  I will find things that I love; I will learn even more to love work; I will be grateful that I have time to enjoy---I will learn to dance in the rain!  Cha, cha cha!